Mackenzie Burgess

OUR LITTLE ANGEL, MACKENZIE WAS DELIVERED ON SATURDAY 10TH FEBRUARY 2007. STILLBORN, SHE WAS 25 WEEKS GESTATION, AND WEIGHED JUST 1LB 8 1/2 OZ. JUST ONE WEEK BEFORE, I WAS TOLD THE NEWS THAT HER LITTLE HEART WOULD NEVER BE STRONG ENOUGH, AND THAT HER SURVIVAL RATE IF SHE COULD POSSIBLY MAKE IT TO 36 WEEKS GESTATION, WOULD BE PERHAPS A FEW DAYS.I WAS GIVEN THE OPTION TO TERMINATE MY PREGNANCY RIGHT THEN. HOW COULD I HAVE MADE A DECISION BASED ON ONE DOCTORS OPINION? HE ADMITTED HOWEVER, HE WAS NOT 'GOD' AND COULD NOT PREDICT WHEN OR EVEN IF, MACKENZIES' HEART WOULD FAIL IN UTERO.
THE NEXT DAY AFTER SPENDING THE WHOLE NIGHT TALKING WITH HER DADDY, WE DECIDED THAT I WOULD CONTINUE WITH THE PREGNANCY TO GIVE HER WHATEVER CHANCE THERE WAS. NOBODY KNEW WHETHER SHE WOULD SURVIVE TO MAYBE 36 WEEKS, OR WHETHER SHE WOULD BE STRONG ENOUGH TO UNDERGO TREATMENT. IF I HAD TERMINATED MY PREGNANCY THEN, I WOULD FOREVER BE WONDERING IF I DID THE RIGHT THING.
SADLY THE DECISION WAS TAKEN OUT OF OUR HANDS LATER THAT EVENING. IT WAS ALMOST AS IF SHE HAD LISTENED TO MYSELF AND HER DADDY TALKING ABOUT OUR HOPES AND FEARS THE PREVIOUS EVENING, AND HAD CHOSEN TO TAKE THE PAINFUL DECISION AWAY FROM US HERSELF. AFTER HER DADDY LEFT THAT MORNING, UNBEKNOWN TO ME, HER TINY HEART WAS SLOWLY SHUTTING DOWN. LITTLE BY LITTLE, UNTIL THAT EVENING, AFTER ATTEMPTING TO LOCATE HER HEARTBEAT USING THE HAND HELD DOPPLER I HAD AT HOME, I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG. I WAS GIVEN A SCAN AT THE HOSPITAL WHICH LATER CONFIRMED MY GREATEST FEAR, AND I WAS TOLD MY BABY GIRL HAD DIED.
I RETURNED HOME THAT NIGHT, TRYING TO ACCEPT WHAT I'D JUST BEEN TOLD......
THE FOLLOWING WEEK WENT BY IN A BLUR. I KNEW I HAD LITTLE OPTION BUT TO RETURN TO HOSPITAL AT SOME POINT AND HAVE TO DELIVER MY STILLBORN BABY. MACKENZIES' DADDY - WHILST I HAD HOPED HE WOULD HAVE BEEN HERE - TOOK THE NEWS EXTREMELY BADLY, AND TO THIS DAY I HAVE NOT SEEN HIM TO SPEAK TO. BUT I NEEDED TO SPEAK TO HIM ABOUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING DIDN'T I? NEVERTHELESS I MAY NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND, BUT I RESPECT WHATEVER REASONS HE FELT UNABLE TO COME AND BE WITH ME. SADLY, DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL, HE NEVER EVEN GOT TO SEE HIS BABY GIRL AT THE HOSPITAL. HE NEVER GOT TO GIVE HER ONE LAST CUDDLE.......I TRIED SO HARD TO CONTACT HIM AS WELL - JUST TO GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO SEE HER, AND I'VE REACHED A POINT NOW, WHERE I FEEL THAT 'GUILT' HAS A LOT TO DO WITH HIM STAYING AWAY NOW. 'A GUILY CONSCIENCE NEEDS NO ACCUSER', AND IT WOULD BE WRONG OF ME TO DISRESPECT HIM NOW.
I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DESCRIBE FULLY HOW BEAUTIFULLY FORMED AHE WAS. FROM HER TINY FEET RIGHT UP TO THE SMALLEST LITTLE FINGERNAILS I'D EVER SEEN - SHE WAS PERFECT. I MANAGED TO TAKE A PHOTO OF HER ON MY PHONE JUST A FEW MINUTES AFTERWARDS, AND EVERYONE WHO HAS SEEN IT, SAYS HOW MUCH SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER NEWBORN BABY....SADLY A FEW HOURS LATER, AND THE NEXT TIME I SAW HER, HER LITTLE BODY HAD DETERIOATED QUITE A LOT. MY MUM CAME TO SEE HER, WHILST MY LITTLE BOY WAITED WITH MY DAD. I WAS ADVISED NOT TO LET MY LITTLE BOY SEE MACKENZIE. I WANTED TO LET HIM MEET HIS LITTLE SISTER - REALLY I DID, BUT HE IS ONLY 5 AND I DO NOT THINK HE WOULD FULLY UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WASN'T MOVING. I AM SO GLAD I HELD HER. I HELD HER SO TIGHTLY, WILLING HER TO MOVE, TO OPEN HER EYES OR TO CLASP MY FINGER IN HER TINY HAND - BUT SHE DIDN'T. SHE DIDN'T BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T. PART OF ME IS SOMEWHAT GRATEFUL FOR THE FACT SHE WAS UNABLE TO OPEN HER EYES. STILL FUSED SHUT, SHE NEVER GOT TO WITNESS A GLIMPSE OF THIS MESSED UP WORLD, THAT SHE WILL NEVER BE A PART OF. THE LAST TIME I SAW HER, THERE WAS BLOOD COMING FROM HER TINY NOSE, AND ON CLOSER INSPECTION, I NOTICED HER MOUTH AND EYES HAD BOTH BEEN BLEEDING AS WELL. SHOCKING AS IT WAS FOR ME TO SEE, THE MIDWIFE INFORMED ME THAT THIS WAS INDEED NORMAL. NORMAL MAYBE FOR SOMEONE WHO WORKS IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT TO HAVE SEEN MY BABY GIRL BLEEDING LIKE THAT IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER FORGET. I WAS HER MUMMY AND WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER, BUT THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO.AFTER SPEAKING WITH THE CHAPLAIN AT THE HOSPITAL, HE VERY KINDLY HELD A NAMING CEREMONY FOR HER.I FINALLY LEFT MY ANGEL AT THE HOSPITAL AT 5PM THAT SAME DAY. KISSING HER LIGHTLY ON HER FOREHEAD, I LEFT WITH HER TWO LITTLE TEDDIES - ONE FROM HER MUMMY AND ONE FROM HER DADDY. MY LITTLE BOY WHO HAD PREVIOUSLY GIVEN ME A TEDDY FROM HIS COLLECTION, HAD BEEN CUDDLED UP TO MACKENZIE ALL DAY, AND WHILST I WISHED SO MUCH FOR HER TO HAVE IT, I DID ACTUALLY BRING IT HOME WITH ME. IT WAS HER VERY FIRST TEDDY BEAR, AND IT WAS A PIECE OF HER. I NOW SLEEP WITH THAT TEDDY BEAR IN MY BED, EVEN THOUGH I AM 32 YEARS OLD! THE NIGHT BEFORE I WENT BACK INTO DELIVER MACKENZIE, I'D WRITTEN HER A POEM. I FELT A BIT SILLY ASKING THE MIDWIFE IF I COULD LEAVE IT WITH HER, BUT I AM SO GLAD I DID. THE TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER CAME TOO SOON - JUST AS SHE WAS BORN TOO SOON. I WANTED TO JUST PICK HER UP, WRAP THE LITTLE YELLOW BLANKET MY MUM HAD KNITTED, TIGHTLY AROUND HER, AND BRING HER HOME, BUT I COULDN'T. I TOLD HER BOTH MUMMY AND DADDY LOVED HER AND THAT IT WAS THROUGHT CIRCUMSTANCES ALONE, THAT DADDY WAS UNABLE TO BE THERE TO SAY GOODBYE. DESPITE WHAT I WAS FEELING ABOUT HIM RIGHT THEN, I OWED IT TO MY BABY GIRL TO TELL HER SHE WAS LOVED BY US BOTH...AGAIN I KISSED HER LIGHTLY ON HER FOREHEAD, TURNED AND WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM SHE HAD BEEN PLACED IN....THAT FIRST NIGHT HOME WAS HORRENDOUS, AND SINCE THEN I HAVE HAD NO VISITORS FROM FRIENDS AT ALL. IVE SINCE DISCOVERED IT WAS BECAUSE THEY 'DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO ME?'. MY REPLY WAS THAT I DIDN'T NEED THEM TO SAY ANYTHING. I JUST WANTED A FRIEND TO BE WITH ME. I WANTED MACKENZIES DADDY TO BE WITH ME, BUT THERE WAS NO ONE. ON MONDAY 26TH FEBRUARY 2007 AT 2PM MY ANGEL WILL FINALLY BE LAID TO REST. AFTER WAITING PATIENTLY THIS LAST WEEK FOR HER MUMMY TO MAKE A DECISION ON HER BURIAL, SHE CAN NOW REST IN PEACE KNOWING THAT ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN DONE. AWAITING HER TINY WINGS TO CARRY HER OFF TO A MUCH BETTER PLACE, SHE WILL BE ABLE TO SLEEP TIGHT TONIGHT, KNOWING IT WILL SOON BE OVER AND SHE WILL BE CARRIED 'HOME'. THE TIME IS CURRENTLY 21.13 HRS THE NIGHT BEFORE, AND ITS TEARING ME APART KNOWING IN JUST A FEW HOURS I WILL BE SEEING HER TINY WHITE COFFIN AND LARGE TEDDY BEAR WREATH IN THE HEARSE AS IT SLOWLY EDGES ITS WAY TOWARDS HER FINAL RESTING PLACE....IVE NEVER BEEN TO A BURIAL BEFORE IN MY LIFE, LET ALONE HAD TO ARRANGE ONE, AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WILL HAPPEN. I'VE LISTENED TO OTHER PPL AND THE FUNERAL DIRECTORS, BUT TO BE HONEST, I DIDN'T REALLY TAKE IT IN. AS FOR HER DADDY? BECAUSE HIS MUM REFUSES TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME, I AM UNABLE TO CONTACT HIM THROUGH HER AS SHE WILL NOT PASS ON ANY MESSAGE. I HAVE INFORMED HIM THROUGH A FRIEND, AS TO THE TIME OF HER FUNERAL. WILL HE TURN UP? WHO KNOWS? GUILT IS AN EVIL THING, AND ONCE IT GETS A HOLD OF U, IT NEVER LETS GO. WHILST I CAN FULLY EMPATHISE WITH EVERYTHING HE MAY BE FEELING, NOTHING WILL MAKE UP FOR THE FACT HE NEVER CAME TO SAY GOODBYE. NEVERTHELESS HE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE MY BABY GIRLS DADDY, AND THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME THAT LOVES HIM DEARLY. MAYBE ONE DAY HE WILL FIND THE COURAGE TO COME BACK. COME BACK HE MAY, BUT I KNOW I CAN NEVER GIVE HIM BACK ANYTHING HE MISSED- NOT NOW, NOT EVER. FINALLY (AND SORRY FOR THIS EPIC), WITH REGARDS TO DEAR OLD, MOTHER NATURE....I AM UNABLE TO PUT HERE WHAT I TRULY THINK OF HER. EVERY DAY MILLIONS OF BABIES ARE BORN TO PARENTS WHO HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF WANTING THEM, AND WHO ARE DESTINED TO BE UNLOVED - WHY DID SHE HAVE TO TAKE MINE??
MY AMGEL MACKENZIE LEAVES BEHIND, HER MUMMY (ME-LISA), HER DADDY, ALAN, AND BIG BROTHER ALFIE XXX R.I.P LITTLE ONE. TILL WE MEET AGAIN.....MAY GOD TAKE GOOD CARE OF U, AND PROTECT U FROM EVERYTHING MUMMY AND DADDY COULDN'T DO. OH, AND ONE LAST THING...GOD, PLEASE KISS OUR ANGEL GOODNIGHT FROM US, AND MAKE SURE SHE NEVER FORGETS HOW MUCH WE MISS HER? XXX
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------THE TIME IS CURRENTLY 10AM. IN FOUR HOURS I WILL HAVE TO SAY MY FINAL GOODBYE TO MACKENZIE...........AT 11.30 I WILL VISIT THE CHAPEL TO SEE HER COFFIN FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME. I KNOW IT WILL BE TINY. I KNOW IT WILL BE PURE WHITE.....AND I KNOW THAT WITHIN ITS 'WALLS' IT WILL CONTAIN THE BODY OF MY LITTLE ANGEL.... I DON'T THINK I'M ALLOWED TO SEE HER AGAIN. PART OF ME WISHES I COULD, THE OTHER PART WANTS TO REMEMBER HER AS SHE WAS......... I'VE BEEN AWAKE ALL NIGHT, TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF WHY I'M STILL HERE.... IF I COULD SWAP PLACES WITH HER NOW, JUST TO GIVE HER A CHANCE OF LIVING, I WOULD. BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO STAY STRONG FOR ALFIES'S SAKE...ITS EASIER WHEN HE IS HOME AND NOT AT SCHOOL, BUT EVERY DAY WHEN HE GOES OFF TO SCHOOL, THE SILENCE ENVELOPS ME AND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, CONTINUES TO HAUNT ME. NIGHT TIMES ARE THE WORST. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I LAY AWAKE WHILST ALL AROUND ME DEMONS FROM MY PAST TAUNT ME. I CAN'T STOP THIS PAIN AND ITS TEARING ME APART... I APPRECIATE MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE HAVE GONE THROUGH FAR WORSE EXPERIENCES THAN THIS, AND COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE - BUT RIGHT NOW - RIGHT THIS MINUTE - I CAN'T SEE AN END TO IT ALL. I WAS TOLD THAT THE PAIN NEVER ENDS, BUT IT JUST GETS EASIER TO LIVE WITH.... I NEED ALAN SO MUCH TODAY. THROUGH A FRIEND, I HAVE ASKED HIM TO SAY AT 2PM TODAY, A 'SILENT GOODBYE' TO THE DAUGHTER HE NEVER GOT TO MEET. TO TELL HER THAT HER DADDY LOVES HER DEARLY. IF HE DOES, HE WILL NEVER ADMIT IT TO ME, I GUESS, BUT I HOPE HE WILL.....ANYWAY, I SUPPOSE I'D BETTER GO NOW AND PREPARE MYSELF FOR WHAT WILL ALWAYS BE THE WORST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.......I'D ALSO LIKE TO THANK EACH AND EVERY ONE OF U WHO HAVE LIT A CANDLE AND/OR SENT ME THEIR CONDOLENCES. MY OWN 'FRIENDS' HAVE DISAPPEARED, YET COMPLETE STRANGERS HAVE HELPED TO EASE MY PAIN EVER SO SLIGHTLY THESE LAST 24 HOURS...AND FOR THAT I WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL. THANK YOU.X
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I HAVE JUST RETURNED HOME AFTER VISITING THE CHAPEL, WHERE MACKENZIES' TINY WHITE COFFIN WAS WAITING FOR THE FINAL PART OF HER JOURNEY 'HOME'.....I KNEW IT WOULD BE HARD. I KNEW IT WOULD UPSET ME. BUT IT WAS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO DO BEFORE I SAW THE HEARSE THIS AFTERNOON. I WAS UNABLE TO SEE MY ANGEL, BUT I WAS SO CLOSE TO HER. THE FUNERAL DIRECTORS HAVE DONE MY BABY GIRL PROUD, AND MADE HER AS CONFORTABLE AS SHE POSSIBLE COULD BE. BUT I WANTED TO JUST PICK UP THE COFFIN AND TAKE IT WITH ME. MAYBE NOT HOME, BUT TAKE IT AWAY - ANYWHERE. THAT WAY SHE WOULD STILL BE MINE, AND I COULD STILL PROTECT HER. BUT I COULDN'T. I FEEL LIKE EVER SINCE HER DELIVERY, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS TO HER ANYMORE. LIKE SHE ISN'T MINE ANYMORE...SHES MY BABY GIRL AND I WANT HER BACK SO MUCH. HER TINY WHITE COFFIN WAS SMALLER THAN A DOLL I ONCE HAD. IT HAD A LITTLE PLAQUE ON TOP STATING HER NAME -MACKENZIE BURGESS. DIED 10 FEB 2007- I'VE DAYDREAMS-OR DAY-NIGHTMARES, WHEREBY BECAUSE SHE IS BEING BURIED INSTEAD OF CREMATED, THAT SOMEONE WILL DIG UP HER LITTLE GRAVE ONE NIGHT AND TAKE HER COFFIN. IF IT HAPPENED, I WOULD HAVE NOTHING....I KNOW THIS IS JUST MY MIND DOING THIS, AND BELIEVE ME, I MAY SOUND IT, BUT I AM NOT SOME CRAZY WOMAN. I'M JUST A MOTHER WHO HAS GOT TO BURY HER BABY GIRL. IF I COULD BE ANYWHERE-ANYWHERE AT ALL APART FROM HAVING TO DO THIS NOW, I WOULD. I CAN'T STOP ANY OF IT GOING AHEAD, AS MUCH AS I WANT TO. I MISS HER AND JUST WANT HER BACK. IF THERE WAS ANY GOD AT ALL, HE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS... I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING REALLY BAD IN A PAST LIFE TO HAVE DESERVED EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST YEAR. IM NOT A BAD PERSON. I MADE SOME MISTAKES, WHICH I TRULY PAID FOR, BUT THERE IS NO LET-UP FOR ME. ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER, WHATEVER I DO, IT RESULTS IN MY WHOLE WORLD CRASHING DOWN AROUND ME....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------I HAVE JUST ARRIVED HOME AFTER MACKENZIES' FUNERAL. THE HEARSE WAS ALREADY THERE WHEN I ARRIVED. I WAS GREETED BY THE MINISTER AND DARREN, THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR I HAD MADE THE ARRANGEMENTS WITH. MORBID AS IT MAY SOUND, I ACTUALLY TOOK SOME PHOTOGRAPHS OF MACKENZIES TINY COFFIN. IT WILL BE SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGET, BUT I KNEW IF I DIDN'T I WOULD LATER REGRET IT. WHEN THE MINISTER SPOKE TO ME, FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, I BEGAN TO CRY. I HAD BEEN TOLD BY SOMEONE WHEN I WENT TO COLLECT ALFIE FROM SCHOOL AT LUNCHTIME, THAT IT WAS OKAY, AND THAT I DIDN'T NEED TO BE STRONG. BUT EVER SINCE THIS HAS HAPPENED, I'VE FELT I'VE HAD TO BE. BUT RIGHT THEN , I HAD NO MORE FIGHT LEFT IN ME TO DO SO. I MANAGED TO PULL IT TOGETHER AND FOLLOW THE PALLBEARER INTO THE CHAPEL. ALTHOUGH I KNEW THE FEW PEOPLE WHO WERE IN THE CHAPEL WERE MY PARENTS, AUNTY AND TWO FRIENDS, I CANNOT REMEMBER EVEN SEEING THEM. THE SERVICE WAS SHORT BUT REALLY REALLY NICE. I COULD HEAR MY MUM CRYING BEHIND ME, AND TRIED SO HARD TO KEEP THE TEARS IN, BUT THEY JUST KEPT ON FALLING. THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR CHOSE THE MUSIC ON MY BEHALF AS WHILST I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE THE SONG 'FREEBIRD' (LYNYRD SKYNRD), IT IS A SONG THAT I AM UNABLE TO HEAR WITHOUT GETTING UPSET. A LONG TIME AGO, AND FOR WHATEVER REASON, MYSELF AND ALAN WERE JUST CHATTING, AND I;LL ALWAYS REMEMBER HE TOLD ME THAT 'FREEBIRD' WAS THE SONG HE WANTED AT HIS FUNERAL..EVER SINCE THEN I HAVE ALWAYS 'LINKED' IT TO DEATH AND FUNERALS. HAD ALAN DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY, AND HAD I KNOWN FOR SURE HE WOULD HAVE BEEN AT HER FUNERAL -I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN 'FREEBIRD'. HOWEVER, HE DIDN'T, AND AS FAR AS I AM AWARE, DID NOT COME . IF HE DID, HE NEVER MADE HIMSELF KNOWN, WHICH IS WHAT I WAS TOLD WOULD NO DOUBT HAPPEN, BY THE BEREAVEMENT OFFICER I HAD SPOKEN TO. I'M ALMOST CERTAIN, 'GUILT' HAS PLAYED A MASSIVE PART IN THIS...BESIDES WHICH, I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN REMEMBERED SEEING HIM I DON'T THINK... SO, THE MUSIC THEY CHOSE WAS 'ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL' - ALTHOUGH NOT THE VERSION I CAN REMEMBER SINGING IN SCHOOL!. IT WAS A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT VERSION, BUT HEARING THAT BEING PLAYED AS HER LITTLE COFFIN WAS CARRIED OUT OF THE CHAPEL AND BACK INTO THE HEARSE AGAIN, WAS AT THAT TIME , THE HARDEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. WE FOLLOWED THE HEARSE AS IT SLOWLY MADE ITS WAY THROUGH THE CEMETERY.WE HAD TO WALK THE REMAINDER OF THE WAY TO WHERE SHE WOULD FINALLY BE LAID TO REST. AS THE COFFIN WAS LOWERED INTO THE GROUND, I WHISPERED A SILENT GOODBYE TO MY ANGEL, AND PLACED A SINGLE RED ROSE ON THE TOP.....MACKENZIE WAS BURIED NEXT TO TWO OTHER BABIES WHO WERE ALSO STILLBORN, WHICH I FEEL SOME COMFORT FROM- KNOWING SHE HAS TWO LITTLE 'FRIENDS' WITH HER, AND WAS NOT ON HER OWN SOMEWHERE IN THE CEMETERY. THE LONG WALK BACK TO MY CAR SEEMED TO TAKE FOREVER. WHEN I GOT TO NEAR THE END, I TURNED BACK ONCE MORE TO SEE HER TINY GRAVE BEING FILLED IN. STUPID AS IT MAY SOUND, I EVEN ASKED THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR IF THERE WAS ANYWAY CONCRETE COULD BE POURED ON TOP, INSTEAD OF SOIL, AS I WAS AFRAID SOMEONE WOULD COME AND DIG HER UP AND TAKE HER LITTLE COFFIN AWAY...I DO HOWEVER FEEL SLIGHTLY GUILY MYSELF, AS AT THIS POINT I LEFT EVERYONE ELSE, AND JUST RETURNED TO MY CAR...AT THAT MOMENT I WANTED TO BE ALONE. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT ALAN - IN FACT I'D TOLD MY FRIEND IF I SAW HIM THEN, I'D PROBABLY RUN HIM OVER (I WOULDN'T). I NEEDED JUST A LITTLE TIME TO TAKE IN WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED. I DIDN'T WANT TO GO BACK TO MY PARENTS PLACE FOR A 'WAKE'...I WANTED TO GO HOME, BUT I DID GO, AND ONCE AGAIN FOUND MYSELF PUTTING ON A FRONT TO SHOW I WAS STRONG - BUT ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS CRY...
MY AUNTY WHO CAME TO THE FUNERAL HAS ALWAYS BELIEVED IN WHAT I REFER TO AS THE 'AFTERLIFE', AND SHE BELIEVES THAT ONCE WE DIE, WE DO GO TO A BETTER PLACE..I ALWAYS USED TO SAY THAT IF U BELIEVE IN THAT SORT OF THING, THEN OK, BUT HAD ALWAYS NEVER THOUGHT FURTHER THAN, ONCE U DIE, U GET BURIED OR CREMATED AND THATS IT. BUT AFTER TALKING WITH HER A LITTLE, I DO FEEL DIFFERENTLY, I GUESS. FOR MY OWN SANITY RIGHT NOW, I NEED SO MUCH TO BELIEVE THAT MACKENZIES' SOUL HAS GONE UP TO A BETTER PLACE, AND THAT ONE DAY WE WILL MEET HER AGAIN. YES HER TINY FRAIL BODY IS BURIED DEEP BENEATH THE SOIL IN THE CEMETERY, BUT I SUPPOSE NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS AFTERWARDS EH? ANYWAY, MY AUNTY PULLED ME TO ONE SIDE AND PRESENTED ME WITH A VERY SMALL BUNCH OF WHITE FLOWERS FROM HER GARDEN. NOTHING STRANGE IN THAT, BUT SHE ALSO TOLD ME THAT JUST BEFORE SHE WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE TO COME TO THE FUNERAL, SHE HAD THIS 'URGE' TO GO TO THE BOTTOM OF HER GARDEN AND PICK THESE FLOWERS. THINKING SHE WOULD BE LATE FOR THE FUNERAL, SHE TRIED TO RESIST, BUT EVEN AFTER GETTING INTO HER CAR, THE 'URGE' WOULD NOT LET HER DRIVE AWAY, AND SO SHE ACTUALLY WENT TO THE BOTTOM OF HER GARDEN AND PICKED THESE FLOWERS. AFTER TYING THEM NEATLY, SHE TOLD ME - JUST AS A LITTLE GIRL WOULD DO - SHE TIED A PIECE OF SILVERY PAPER AROUND THE BOTTOM TO MAKE THEM LOOK PRETTIER - AND KNEW SHE HAD TO GIVE THEM TO ME. NOW, WHILST MANY PPL WOULD JUST LAUGH OR DISMISS THIS, BECAUSE OF THE NEED TO BELEIVE MACKENZIE HAS GONE TO A BETTER PLACE NOW, I DO KIND OF BELIEVE THAT THROUGH MY AUNTY, MACKENZIE WANTED ME TO KNOW SHE WAS ALRIGHT.....I WILL KEEP THIS WEBSITE UPDATED AND LET EVERYONE KNOW WHETHER MACKENZIES' DADDY EVER GETS IN TOUCH!!!...THANKS FOR READING THIS FAR. IT HAS HELPED - MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT EVER WOULD. RIGHT NOW NOTHING CAN TAKE AWAY MY PAIN, BUT I KNOW I DID MY BEST FOR HER... THANKS AGAIN. LISAX
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TO EVERYONE WHO WAS WONDERING HOW THINGS HAVE BEEN SINCE MONDAY - WELL ITS NOW THURSDAY 1ST MARCH - AND ITS STILL AS PAINFUL AS EVER. IT'S ALMOST AS IF EVERYONE ASSUMES I SHOULD NOW BE OVER LOSING MACKENZIE, NO ONE REALLY MENTIONS ANYTHING - PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY DO NOT WANT TO UPSET ME AGAIN - BUT IT'S ALMOST AS IF PPL HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT HER ALREADY...I KNOW I HAVE TO ALLOW HER TO REST IN PEACE NOW AND I GUESS, JUST GET ON WITH IT. HOWEVER, UNTIL I CAN GET THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR ALAN, ESPECIALLY, I CANNOT BRING ANY SORT OF CLOSURE. I'VE NOT BOTHERED TO CONTACT HIM SINCE I LET HIM KNOW WHEN THE FUNERAL WAS. OH WELL, HE'LL BE BACK WHEN HE'S READY I SUPPOSE. NO USE IN TRYING TO GET HIM TO DO SOMETHING HE MAY LATER THROW BACK AT ME. I'M ALMOST CERTAIN NOW THAT GUILT HAS ACTUALLY BEEN THE MAJOR CAUSE OF HIM NOT COMING BACK YET...WHILST I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM, I CANNOT TAKE AWAY THE FEELINGS OF GUILT. MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAR AS I TRIED TO CONTACT HIM.END OV. OTHER THAN THAT, I'M TAKING EACH DAY AS IT COMES. NIGHT TIMES ARE STILL THE WORST, WHEN ALFIE HAS GONE TO BED AND I'M SAT HERE. THERE HASN'T BEEN A DAY GONE BY WHERE I HAVEN'T CRIED FOR HER AT SOME POINT. SOMETIMES ITS IN THE MORNING, OTHER TIMES JUST BEFORE I GO TO BED. RIGHT NOW I STILL HAVE MACKENZIES' MOSES BASKET, COT AND MATTRESS AND THE LITTLE SLEEPSUITS - STILL IN MY BEDROOM. ALTHOUGH I HAVE ACTUALLY COVERED THEM UP WITH A COVER, I STILL KNOW THEY ARE THERE. I HAVEN'T GOT IT IN ME TO BEGIN TO PUT THEM AWAY JUST YET, EVEN THOUGH IT MAY MAKE THINGS A LITTLE EASIER.... I KNOW THIS PAIN WILL NEVER EVER GO AWAY, BUT I'M SURE IT WILL GET EASIER TO LIVE WITH. WHEN I DROP ALFIE TO SCHOOL, I HAVE TO SEE THE OTHER MUMS WHO WERE A FEW WEEKS AGO, PREGNANT LIKE I WAS. SOME HAVE HAD THEIR BABIES AND OF COURSE I HAVE TO SEE THEM PUSHING THEIR PUSHCHAIRS INTO SCHOOL TWICE A DAY. I FEEL BAD NOT TAKING ANY NOTICE OF THEIR BABIES, BECAUSE MOST OF THEM HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED TO MACKENZIE. THEY JUST ASSUME I'M IGNORANT I GUESS. ONE NIGHT, I THINK IT WAS LAST WEEK, I TOOK ALFIE TO TOYSRUS TO BUY HIM A TOY I'D PROMISED HIM. OF ALL THE TIMES I COULD HAVE GONE, I PICKED THE TIME WHERE IN THE NEXT AISLE I COULD HEAR THE CRIES OF A NEWBORN BABY... I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO ALLOW ALFIE TO PICK OUT HIS TOY - AND WHAT WAS PROBABLY JUST A MINUTE OR TWO, SEEMED LIKE FOREVER. ALL THE TIME THIS YOUNG BABY WAS CRYING. IF I EVER WANTED TO KNOW WHAT TORTURE FELT LIKE, IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT. THE ADVERTS ON TV ABOUT NAPPIES OR TOYS SEEM TO HAVE DOUBLED SINCE A FEW WEEKS AGO, ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY DIDN'T REALLY NOTICE BEFORE. THERE IS HOWEVER ONE ADVERT ON TV, I REALLY CANNOT WATCH. I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE HAS SEEN IT, BUT I THINK ITS ABOUT 'LOOKING AFTER UR HEART', AND U SEE A BABYS' SCAN AND SEE THEIR LITTLE HEART PUMPING....FOR THOSE WHO KNOW WHAT I'M ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT, U WILL HOPEFULLY UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO WATCH, MAINLY BECAUSE IT WAS MACKENZIES' HEART THAT SHUT DOWN. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, I'M SORRY - JUST IGNORE MY LITTLE RANT THEN!!! ANYHOW, IT'S 1PM NOW AND I'LL SIGN OFF AGAIN NOW. UNFORTUNATELY MY LIFE IS PRETTY MUNDANE, AND WITH NOT MUCH HAPPENING - EVER-, I HAVE VERY LITTLE TO WRITE ABOUT. A FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN I FIRST DISCOVERED MACKENZIE HAD A HEART PROBLEM, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE HERE NOW DOING THIS. ITS BEEN FOUR OF THE WORST WEEKS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, BUT I KNOW SHE IS AT PEACE NOW, AND THIS ALONE HAS HELPED ME TO ACCEPT WHAT HAPPENED. I DO NOT FEEL ANY GUILT FOR WHAT HAPPENED, AS I KNOW IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO MANY MANY OTHER BABIES EVERY DAY. I FEEL SOMEWHAT RELIEVED THAT SHE DID NOT DIE OF SOMETHING EITHER I DID WRONG OR OF SOMETHING THE DOCTORS COULDN'T GIVE A REASON FOR. I'M VISITING HER GRAVE EITHER TODAY OR TOMORROW, SO I'LL LET U ALL KNOW HOW IT WENT....THANKS FOR READING, AND ALSO FOR THE TRIBUTES AND CANDLES....LISA X
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ITS NOW TUESDAY 6 MARCH.... DAYS COME AND DAYS GO, BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO STOP THE PAIN....ATTENDED A REMEMBERANCE SERVICE ON SUNDAY AT THE HOSPITAL WHERE MACKENZIE WAS DELIVERED. I MADE A BIT OF A 'MISTAKE' IN TAKING ALFIE WITH ME. BEING ONLY 5 YEARS OLD, AND IT WAS VERY WARM IN THE CHAPEL, HE COULDNT SIT STILL FOR TOO LONG. I MANAGED TO STAY FOR MOST OF THE SERVICE, AND MACKENZIES' NAME WAS READ OUT AND HER LITTLE CARD PLACED ON THE TREE. ALFIE AND MYSELF LIT A CANDLE FOR HER AND PLACED IT ON THE ALTAR. FOLLOWING THIS, WE WENT TO 'VISIT' MACKENZIE IN THE CEMETERY. IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN A WORSE DAY, AS IT WAS POURING WITH RAIN AND REALLY WINDY. FROM WHERE I PARKED THE CAR, MYSELF AND ALF HAD TO TAKE THE LONG WALK UP TOWARDS HER GRAVE. THIS IN ITSELF WAS DIFFICULT, AS ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS THE LAST TIME I'D MAKE THAT WALK, ON THE DAY OF HER FUNERAL. I KNEW THE FIRST TIME AFTERWARDS, WOULD BE HARD, BUT I HAD TO DO IT. HOPEFULLY IT WILL BECOME A LITTLE EASIER EACH TIME I GO. MY SISTER AND HER CHAP ARE COMING DOWN TO STAY WITH MY PARENTS AT THE WEEKEND, AND I THINK THEY WANT TO GO AND VISIT HER GRAVE, AS THEY WERE UNABLE TO MAKE IT TO THE FUNERAL..I'D LIKE TO BE THE ONE WHO TAKES THEM TO HER FINAL RESTING PLACE, BUT I SUPPOSE IT DEPENDS ON WHEN THEY WISH TO GO...I'D LOVE A HEADSTONE ON HER GRAVE EVENTUALLY, BUT THE CHEAPEST QUOTE I HAVE GOTTEN SO FAR, IS SOMETHING NEAR £700.00... I WILL GET HER ONE EVENTUALLY, BUT IT DOSEN'T LOOK TOO HOPEFUL AT PRESENT. REGARDLESS OF THIS HOWEVER, I SHALL STILL VISIT HER EACH WEEK AND LEAVE FRESH FLOWERS FOR HER.
OTHER 'EVENTS' THIS WEEK?? FINALLY HAD A SURPRISE VISITOR LAST NIGHT/EARLY HOURS OF THIS MORNING...FROM MACKEZNIES' DADDY, ALAN. WE STAYED UP TILL 5AM AND I THINK NOW EVERYTHING IS SORTED OUT. HOWEVER, I TOLD HIM I WASN'T INTERESTED ANYMORE AS TO HIS REASONS FOR MAKING THE CHOICES HE DID, OR WHETHER OR NOT HE RECEIVED ANY OF THE MESSAGES I HAD LEFT FOR HIM - MY CONSCIENCE WILL FOREVER BE CLEAR, AS I KNOW I TRIED SO HARD TO CONTACT HIM. NEVER ONCE DID I NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING... THIS PROBABLY SOUNDS LIKE I WAS KIND OF 'FORCEFUL', BUT BELIEVE ME IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT. AT THE END OF THE DAY, HE TOO HAS LOST A BABY, AND DESPITE HOW HE DEALT WITH HIS GRIEF, IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN FAIR TO HIM TO 'LAY' INTO HIM AT THIS POINT. I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM UPSET, WHEN SOME OF THE THINGS HE TOLD ME WERE FEELINGS OF GUILT. GUILT IS A NASTY THING, AND ONCE IT HAS U IN ITS SIGHTS, IT WILL NEVER LEAVE U ALONE. THE GUILTY FEELINGS HE HAS ARE ENOUGH FOR HIM TO LIVE WITH, WITHOUT ME ADDING TO THEM. OBVIOUSLY WE STILL HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT, BUT I FOR ONE FEEL LIKE A WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED FROM MY SHOULDERS. I HAD BEGUN TO THINK I'D DONE SOMETHING WRONG FOR HIM TO NOT HAVE CONTACTED ME OR COME OVER, BUT I NO LONGER FEEL THAT WAY. THE TEARS I HAVE CRIED FOR BOTH HIM AND MACKENZIE HAVE MEANT I VERY OFTEN WAS CONFUSED AS TO WHO THEY WERE ACTUALLY FOR. I WAS CRYING FOR MACKENZIE BECAUSE SHE NEVER HAD HER DADDY; CRYING BECAUSE MACKENZIE HAD DIED, AND ALSO BECAUSE I NEEDED ALAN HERE WIV ME. NOW I KNOW WE ARE ALRIGHT NOW, I WILL KNOW THAT ANY TEARS I NOW HAVE WILL BE ALL FOR HER. THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FROM THE MOMENT I DISCOVERED SHE HAD DIED..I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO WORRY ABOUT THE REASONS ALAN WASNT HERE, BUT I WAS. HOWEVER, IVE FOUND MYSELF SAT HERE JUST IN THE LAST FEW HOURS, WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE NOW THAT MYSELF AND ALAN ARE RECONCILLED, AND WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN IF MACKENZIE HAD SURVIVED...THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON I GUESS, AND SHE JUST WASN'T MEANT TO BE. THIS DOES IN NO WAY MAKE THINGS ANY EASIER, BUT I KNOW SHE IS AT PEACE AND PROBABLY HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH BRINGING HER MUMMY AND DADDY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN..WHO KNOWS?? THANKS FOR READING ....LISAX
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UPDATE -MONDAY 12 MARCH 2007

CAN ANYTHING ELSE GO WRONG NOW? CAN MY LIFE REALLY GET ANY WORSE? FINALLY DISCOVERED YESTERDAY, ALAN, HAS BEEN BEEN SEEING SOMEONE "ONE AND OFF" FOR THE LAST YEAR!! THIS IS WITH SOMEONE HE HAS KNOWN FOR YEARS APPARENTLY. I KNOW WHO SHE IS AND SPOKE TO HER LAST NIGHT BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS BEEN SAYING MACKENZIE WASN'T ALANS. I'LL UPDATE THIS A BIT LATER ON, AS ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, THIS IS SO HARD, SECOND ONLY TO LOSING MACKENZIE.
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UPDATE(2) - FRIDAY 16TH MARCH 2007
(* NOTE: PLEASE BEAR WITH ME ABOUT THE FOLLOWING. IT PROBABLY BELONGS ON A TOTALLY DIFFERENT WEBSITE, BUT NEVERTHELESS, I THOUGHT I'D KEEP U UP TO DATE)
I CAN HONESTLY SAY NOW, THAT THE BOTTOM OF MY WORLD HAS FINALLY FALLEN OUT. DESPITE MY FUTILE ATTEMPTS TO SEE ALAN THIS PAST WEEK, I FINALLY GOT MY CHANCE LAST NIGHT. HE WAS JUST FIVE MINS AWAY FROM THIS OTHER WOMANS' HOUSE (WHICH IN ALL HONESTY WOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM PROBABLY AN HOUR IN THE STATE HE WAS IN!). AFTER DROPPING OFF MY FRIEND, I PULLED UP ALONG SIDE HIM AND JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR- CAUSING HIM TO WHACK HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL (NEVER MIND - HE DIDN'T HURT HIMSELF). I KNEW EXACTLY WHERE HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO, SO DIDN'T BOTHER TO ASK. I WOULDN'T ALLOW HIM TO WALK AWAY THOUGH - NOT UNTIL I GOT THE ANSWERS I WANTED AND SAID THE THINGS I WANTED TO SAY. AFTER A FEW MINS HE EVENTUALLY CAME HOME WITH ME. BUT I COULDNT SPEAK TO HIM - NOT PROPERLY. HE DID HOWEVER, REFUTE ANY RUMOURS THAT MACKENZIE WASN'T HIS BABY. BECAUSE OF THE STATE HE WAS IN SAID THINGS - WHICH IN THE TWO YEARS I'D KNOWN HIM HE HAD NEVER SAID - WHICH FOR A SPLIT SECOND MADE ME FEEL WANTED, I GUESS. SINCE LAST WEEK, I HAD SENT HIM THE PICTURES OF MACKENZIES' FUNERAL AND SOME OF THE OTHER PICTURES OF HER. I KNOW HE LOOKED AT THEM, WHICH IS SOMETHING, I SUPPOSE. FOR HIM TO HAVE EVEN GOT IN THE CAR WITH ME LAST NIGHT, I HAD TO PROMISE HIM IF HE ALLOWED ME TO SAY WHAT I NEEDED TO, I WOULD THEN GO. OF COURSE THIS IS THE VEY LAST THING I WANT TO DO, BUT I KNOW I CANNOT FORCE HIM TO DO SOMETHING HE DOSEN'T WANT TO DO. OVER THE COURSE OF THOSE FEW HOURS THOUGH, I COULD NOT GET RID OF THE IMAGE OF HIM AND THIS OTHER WOMAN OUT OF MY HEAD, ALTHOUGH I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM TOGETHER. THERE ARE MANY THINGS I COULD SAY HERE ABOUT HER, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, I'M NOT THAT TYPE OF PERSON, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE TO DO IT, AND ULTIMATELY IT WOULD NOT BRING ALAN BACK TO ME. I ALSO FELT THAT THE REASON HE WAS CONTINUING TO VISIT HER - APART FROM THE OBVIOUS - WAS BECAUSE FOR HIM, HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED WITHOUT ANY BAGGAGE/COMMITMENT. HE NEVER SAID, SO I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE, BUT IT WAS ALMOST AS IF MACKENZIE WAS JUST ANOTHER PROBLEM TO HIM, AND WHEN HE COULDN'T HANDLE IT, OFF HE WENT. I KNOW IF HE CAME BACK TO ME, HE WOULD STILL CONTINUE TO SEE HER AS WELL. I DROPPED HIM BACK THIS MORNING AROUND 10AM. TRYING TO STOP THE TEARS FROM FALLING, I FINALLY SAID GOODBYE TO THE ONE PERSON, WHO FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS, HAS BEEN MY LIFE. JUST AS I HAD TO FINALLY SAY GOODBYE TO MACKENZIE A FEW WEEKS AGO, I KNOW THERE WILL NOT BE A KNOCK ON MY DOOR, OR A PHONECALL TO ASK ME TO MEET HIM. I COULD NEVER EVER BRING MACKENZIE BACK, BUT I FELT THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, ALAN WOULD HAVE STILL BEEN HERE NOW. THAT SAID, THOUGH, I CANNOT COMPETE AGAINST ANOTHER WOMAN. I KNOW SHE IS NOT WHO HE WANTS. NOT REALLY. SHES JUST CONVENIENT AND TO ME IS JUST AS BAD AS HIM, BECAUSE SHE KNEW ALL ABOUT ME!, AND WAS STILL WILLING TO SLEEP WITH HIM!!ONLY TIME WILL TELL IF I CAN PULL MYSELF BACK FROM THIS ONE. AT EXACTLY THE SAME TIME LAST YEAR (ALMOST TO THE DAY), WE NEVER SAW EACH OTHER FOR A FULL 17 WEEKS!..I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER THEN, AND TRIED SO HARD TO FORGET HIM - BUT I COULDN'T. IT WAS A LITTLE EASIER, BECAUSE AS FAR AS I KNEW THERE WASN'T ANYONE ELSE, BUT THIS TIME, ITS DIFFERENT. BEFORE HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR THIS MORNING, I ASKED HIM IF HE WOULD, "REMEMBER ME ONE DAY?", AND HE TOLD ME HE WOULD "NEVER FORGET ME". ADD THAT TO THE THINGS HE WAS TELLING ME LAST NIGHT, AND I'M WONDERING IF HE REALLY WANTS ME TO GO FOR GOOD? HE SAID HE WOULD COME BACK AND SEE ME,"ONE DAY" AS WELL, AND THIS IS PROBABLY THE ONLY THING - APART FROM ALFIE OF COURSE, THAT IS KEEPING ME GOING. I DUNNO THOUGH. JUST AS I WANT MACKENZIE BACK, I WANT HIM BACK MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. I KNOW HE RANG HER JUST BEFORE I SAW HIM, AND TRIED TO CONTACT HIM IN THE EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING AS WELL.(AS I HEARD HIS PHONE) BY THEN HE WAS SOUND ASLEEP IN MY ARMS. MAYBE IT SHOULD'VE MADE ME FEEL SLIGHTLY BETTER, KNOWING HE WAS WITH ME AND NOT HER, BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY. IF I'D NOT SEEN HIM WHEN I DID, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HER ARMS HE WAS ASLEEP IN - AND WHOS TO SAY HE WON'T BE WITH HER TONIGHT? HE TOLD ME HE WAS "KNOCKING IT ALL ON THE HEAD" - BOTH MYSELF AND HER. DO I BELIEVE HIM? YES AND NO. YES BECAUSE I KNOW HE IS MOVING TODAY WITH HIS SON AND FEELS HE HAS BEEN NEGLECTING HIM, AND NO BECAUSE HE'S MALE, AND HANDED IT ON A PLATE, WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY EXPECT???
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UPDATE****FRIDAY 1ST JUNE 2007****

UNSURE AS TO WHETHER ANYONE WILL ACTUALLY READ THIS FAR, ESPECIALLY SINCE I HAVEN'T UPDATED THIS SINCE MARCH. BEEN MEANING TO DO THIS SINCE SATURDAY 26TH MAY 2007, AS THIS WAS MACKENZIES' DUE DATE. ALANS' BIRTHDAY WAS THE PREVIOUS DAY, AND WHILST I DID NOT WANT TO SPOIL IT FOR HIM, I DID SEND HIM A TEXT MESSAGE 'REMINDING' HIM EXACTLY WHAT DAY IT WAS. AS USUAL, HE NEVER REPLIED. SINCE I FOUND OUT ABOUT HIS LITTLE TETE'A TETE WITH..'J'..., HE HAS ACTUALLY BEEN BACK A NUMBER OF TIMES. HE IS STILL STAYING AT HIS MUMS' HOUSE, AND I KNOW THAT IF HALF THE RUMOURS WERE TRUE - HE WOULDN'T BE STAYING OVER AT MINE AT ANY TIME. ITS STILL VERY DIFFICULT. I GET GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS, AND STILL THE NIGHT TIMES ARE THE WORST. PEOPLE TELL ME I HAVE TO LET ALAN GO, AND I KNOW THEY ARE RIGHT. WHEN HE DOES STAY OVER, I KNOW HE IS USING ME JUST AS MUCH AS HE IS USING 'J' - AND IT STILL CUTS LIKE A KNIFE KNOWING THAT IN A MATTER OF DAYS HE WILL NO DOUBT BE RETURNING TO HER. ONE OF THE WORST TIMES CAME A FEW WEEKS AGO, WHEN AFTER HEARING THE RUNOURS HE WAS GOING TO BE MARRYING 'J'(HE ISN'T)- I NEVER EVEN SAW HIM FOR OVER FIVE WEEKS. ONE AFTERNOON, AND WHILST HE WAS OBVIOUSLY ON HIS WAY BACK FROM HERS, I DID SEE, AND ALL I DID WAS TO PULL OVER. I WANTED TO SAY 'ELLO'. THAT WAS ALL, YET WHEN HE SAW ME, I WAS MET WITH A FEW CHOICE WORDS OF WHICH I AM UNABLE TO PRINT HERE. I WAS ABSOLUTELY GUTTED, AND EVEN THOUGH A FEW DAYS LATER HE CAME OVER, I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO BRING IT UP SO TO THIS DAY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE DONE. WITH ALL MY HEART I WISH THAT I COULD JUST BE ABLE TO WALK DOWN THE STREET, AND IF I SAW HIM, SAW ELLO AND WALK PAST AND NOT HAVE ANY OF THE FEELING THAT ALWAYS COME FLOODING BACK. I WANT TO TELL HIM I HATE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME - BUT I CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. THE WORST PART IS THE FACT HE KNOWS ALL TOO WELL WHAT I FEEL FOR HIM, AND SINCE I TOLD HIM A LONG TIME AGO, HAS SUB-CONCIOUSLY USED THIS AGAINST ME. HE KNOWS HE CAN COME BACK ANYTIME, AND I'M NOT GOING TO ASK HIM TO LEAVE. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THAT I CAN'T LET HIM GO. HE WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE, THE ONLY PART OF MACKENZIE THAT I HAVE LEFT. HE KNOWS THIS TO. ON SATURDAY 26TH - I SPENT AGES SAT UP BESIDE HER GRAVE, JUST 'TALKING' TO HER. I MENTIONED THIS TO SOMEONE, AND THEY THOUGHT I WAS A FOOL FOR DOING THIS. I THINK I MENTIONED BEFORE, THAT FOR MY OWN SANITY, I HAVE TO BELIEVE SHE HAS GONE TO A BETTER PLACE, AND IS NOT JUST IN A HOLE IN THE GROUND. A FEW PEOPLE HAVE TRIED SAYING,"BUT THAT IS WHERE SHE IS - A HOLE IN THE GROUND" - AND OKAY SO YES I KNOW THAT, BUT IT MAKES THINGS JUST A LITTLE EASIER FOR ME. ALAN STILL HAS NO IDEA WHERE HIS BABY GIRL IS BURIED, AND I FEEL THAT GUILT STILL PLAYS A HUGE PART OF THIS. ON SATURDAY, WHILST AT HER GRAVE, I SENT HIM A MESSAGE AND JUST ASKED THAT ONE DAY - AND IT DOSEN'T HAVE TO BE ANYTIME SOON - JUST ONE DAY, I'D LIKE TO TAKE HIM UP TO WHERE SHE IS BURIED. I TOLD HIM I WOULD LEAVE HIM THERE ON HIS OWN, SO MAYBE HE WILL BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN TO MACKENZIE, THE REASONS WHY HE DID THE THINGS HE DID. I AM HAVING A PLAQUE MADE FOR HER LITTLE CROSS(AS I AM UNABLE TO AFFORD A PROPER HEADSTONE YET). THE ORIGINAL ENGRAVING ON THE CROSS SEEMS TO HAVE FADED AND NO ONE CAN READ IT. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO FORGET THAT MY BABY GIRL WAS LAID TO REST THERE. BUT EVEN THOUGHT ALAN WAS NEVER THERE, EVEN THOUGH HE DID WHAT HE DID - I ALWAYS ENSURE THAT ANYTHING I LEAVE FOR HER, SAYS.."LOVE FROM MUMMY, DADDY AND BIG BROTHER ALFIE XXX". I KNOW THERE WILL BE A TIME WHEN ALAN WILL NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT HE CAN ABOUT MACKENZIE. I ALSO DO NOT WANT MACKENZIE TO 'THINK' SHE NEVER HAD A DADDY, BECAUSE SHE DID, AND IT WAS THROUGH EITHER CIRCUMSTANCES, OR ARROGANCE, THAT HER DADDY NEVER CAME TO SEE HER. I MAY NEVER KNOW THE TRUE REASONS BEHIND HIS ACTIONS, AND IN TIME, I WILL LET HIM GO, BUT I JUST CAN'T. NOT YET. IF THIS MAKES ME LOOK A FOOL, I'M OKAY WITH THAT. THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TOLD ME AS MUCH, HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE TO BURY YOUR CHILD ALONE. I'LL ALWAYS LOVE ALAN FOR GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO HOLD MACKENZIE, EVEN THOUGH SHE NEVER KNEW. HE GAVE ME THE CHANCE TO MEET MY OWN LITTLE ANGEL, AND FOR THAT I WILL ALWAYS HOLD THAT SPECIAL LIGHT FOR HIM IN MY HEART. IF ANYONE HAS GOTTEN THIS FAR IN WHAT HAS BECOME A BIT ON AN EPIC, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, I THANK YOU. AS OF YET, I AM UNABLE TO GET ANY COUNSELLING. NOT THROUGH MY DOCTOR, OR EVEN LEAVING SEVERAL MESSAGES ON THE VOICE MAIL OF THE BEREAVEMENT COUNSELLOR. MAYBE I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN A STRONGER POSITION HAD I GOTTEN ANY COUNSELLING, BUT I GUESS I'LL NEVER KNOW. I STILL HAVE MACKENZIES' NEW COT(NEVER BEEN TAKEN OUT OF THE BOX), HER CLOTHES AND HER LITTLE MOSES BASKET IN MY HOUSE. LACK OF SPACE MEANS I KNOW I CAN'T KEEP THIS FOR GOOD, BUT EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT SELLING IT, I KNOW I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO-AGAIN, NOT JUST YET. THANK YOU ANYWAY FOR READING THIS.XX